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Friday, October 13, 2006
The Desire for Friendship and "Fitting In"
It's natural for a woman to desire friends. The feminine nature needs nurturing and support. A husband can provide much of this, but there are some conversations and other things of a feminine nature that can never be satisfied except through a bosom buddy, a girl friend, a completely simpatico female. For some women, it can be many friends, for others it's few, and sometimes it's only one. But that friendship is a valuable treasure, worth protecting and cherishing.
As a Catholic wife and mother, there are choices that I have made along the way that narrow the opportunities for nurturing friendships. I don't fit in most secular circles. I find it hard to listen to conversations that bash husbands and the Church, declare the end of childbearing by choice, and many times just insipid or idle chatter that never goes anywhere. I enjoy good food, books, chocolate, nice clothes and feminine frills just as much as any girl, but I can't talk about it ad nauseum. I want examples, witness, ideas, inspiration, books to build up my life as a mother, wife and daughter of God.
So by narrowing my opportunities in the secular side, I turn to the Catholic circles. The choices narrow further, as I know my friends will fit the smaller, more "conservative" side of Catholicism. I am blessed to live in an area with a vibrant Catholic community, with many growing families, striving to be open to life and loving God. It's quite beautiful and inspiring to be a part of the community.
But I'm not always feeling that I quite "fit in." You see, I only have one child. While that is quite acceptable in today's society, it's not exactly the normal thing in good Catholic circles. It's not my choice to only have one. It's been God's blessing to us to send us this one child, and the blessing to not have any more has also been His plan. It is something I have to embrace and accept every day -- God's will for us.
Some days it's oh, so hard. Little get-togethers with moms of larger families can reopen the wound. I ONLY have one. I wouldn't understand how hard it is to raise so many. I have it easy. The stories of repeat pregnancies and childbirths. And then the questions as to why do I only have one? Am I not being open to life? Why do I have such a large house with only one little child?
There are certain things that every mother and wife can share, whether they have one child or many -- advice and stories on life's experiences, so I'm not completely alone. And it's not that I think that my predicament is worse than anyone else. I love big families. I am the oldest of 7, and love my nieces and nephews like they were my own children. The hardships on having many children is physically and mentally (and financially) exhausting. These parents are making huge sacrifices. It's just that my cross is a bit different, and I would love to be able to hash out some of the particulars of my hardships with someone who has been there.
This has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. I've been praying to God to send me a friend. I have a few friends, but not all understand, not all have the time. Besides my sisters, I haven't found the bosom buddy that we can mutually support and understand each other.
I had a glimmer of hope this past Saturday, talking at length with a woman who had experienced some similar hardships. And she was willing to share, and commiserate, and advise and oh, it was marvelous. The sprinkle of water on my parched spirit was wonderful. I didn't realize how empty I felt until I started filling up on the joy.
Perhaps this might be a friendship to nurture? Who knows. But it was a gift, even that little conversation alone. Deo Gratias.
16:45 Posted in Mothering, Musings | Permalink | Comments (16) | Email this | Tags: female, friendship, mother
Comments
I came to tell you the chicken turned out really great, but stopped to read this entry first. I am so glad I did. Your reflection touched my heart and opened a little ache there. I am praying for you.
Posted by: Jeannine | Friday, October 13, 2006
I have a good friend who has two children but always wanted a houseful. She shared that she was often asked the same insensitive questions and never quite knew how to answer people. I am sorry that you are experiencing this pain and frustration, Jenn.
I will say a prayer that you will find someone locally who can fill the need for companionship and conversation.
If I could reach across all those states, I'd also give you a big hug :) !
Posted by: Rebecca | Friday, October 13, 2006
I know how you feel. I have very few friends for some of the same reasons (though we just don't live around very many Catholic families). And the long stretch where I had one child and desperately wanted more was really, really hard, so I know how that can feel too. Pregnancy is also extremely difficult for me. I don't see a large family in our future. My sister always reminded me that Jesus was an only child. I don't know if that really helped me much. :) I'm so sorry for you! I certainly wish you lived nearby because you are one of my favorite bloggers and commenters. I will pray for you tonight!
Posted by: Jennifer | Friday, October 13, 2006
Praying for you Jenn. Our circumstances may be different, but I do understand the underlying hardship. ((((hugs)))) and prayers to you!
Posted by: Amy | Friday, October 13, 2006
Thank you all for the support and prayers. I didn't mean to come as whining, it's just something that has been weighing heavily on my heart.
Not all moms ask the questions. I don't mind discussing our hardships...I'm not tight-lipped about it. Sometimes there are no questions, just later some will admit the thoughts that cross their mind.
I get along great with many moms and their multiple children. I'm not trying to create an isolated environment where I will only fit with smaller families. It's just at the end of the day, I just still feel like that "beginning mom" and the outsider on the playground and just sometimes wish I had someone else who knows how it feels.
But perhaps that's just my personality.
Posted by: JennGM | Saturday, October 14, 2006
Jenn,
I know this may sound strange but I understand a little bit where you're coming from.
Even though I have 4 children we haven't had anymore and sometimes that can bring the clicking tongues of curiousity.
I think you're a beautiful person and I really think with your class, elegance and charity, God is using you...When I married, I thought, "Oh, I'll have a baby every two years." Well, that hasn't been how it has worked out.
I was up in the middle of the night last night tossing about something and I prayed for you.
I don't know why I'm rambling - maybe 'cause it's because I can't feed you - LOL!
Sending prayers and hugs,
Maria
Posted by: Maria | Saturday, October 14, 2006
Jenn, I hope that sprinkle of water reaches the seed of friendship and results in a lovely blossom!
(Why so poetical today??? Perhaps I missed Poetry Friday!)
LOL!
Believe me, Jenn, I know what you are going through. Cyber-Hugs from one only-child Mom to another! And I think your meeting was very exciting!
Posted by: Jennifer | Saturday, October 14, 2006
I may have more children, but I understand what you mean about feeling isolated and alone and wanting (longing) for a friend. I have some of the same problems for different reasons.
I'll pray that this friendship works out for you!
Posted by: Angel | Saturday, October 14, 2006
Jenn,
As you know I could have written (not as eloquently) your post...I completely understand your pain and longing. Pray for you always. Thank you for your witness to a cross many can't understand but that you and your dh carry with grace and honor for Our Lord.
Mb :)
Posted by: Marybeth | Saturday, October 14, 2006
Jenn,
I am not in your situation as far as children and pregnancy but I do understand the not fitting in and the longing for a friend. You have my prayers.
Natalia
Posted by: Natalia | Saturday, October 14, 2006
Jenn,
Prayers and love and hugs for you from Texas. I don't bear your cross but will pray and try to lighten yours today. You are a beautiful witness to our Catholic faith and your husband and son (and two saints in heaven) are very blessed, indeed!
God bless,
Jennifer in TX
Posted by: Jennifer in TX | Monday, October 16, 2006
My dear, dear Jenn,
This post spoke volumes for me. For different reasons, I too have difficulty building friendships. I hope that this newest friendship works out for you. Many hugs.
Blessings,
Genevieve
Posted by: Genevieve | Monday, October 16, 2006
You're not alone, truly. My best friend from high school and I both have only two children and have been down paths similar to yours. It's painful to be trying so hard to accept your God-given situation and then have people imply that you're somehow less Catholic because you don't have lots of children. I am sure that somewhere near you is another Catholic mommy who really needs a friend. I'll pray you find her soon.
We move so often that my true friends are several states away. I am never in one place long enough to make close friendships...and sometimes that is very hard. My casual friends here (all Catholic) don't homeschool, so we have very different schedules that don't permit time for friendship to deepen.
You're at the top of my prayer list today, for sure...
Posted by: Nancy (guitarnan) | Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Jenn,
I felt your heartache deeply when I read this post. I've been thinking of you a lot and will continue to pray for a friend for you. I have felt lonely often and prayed hard for friends. Right now, I have friends, but really want that one true bosom buddy. I know God will send me one, but it's so hard to wait. God's blessings,
Posted by: KC | Thursday, October 19, 2006
Thank you so much for all your compassion and prayers. I know I'm not alone...we all yearn for this companionship on some level, no matter our circumstances!
Posted by: Jenn Miller | Friday, October 20, 2006
Judging by this post and your close proximity to Middleburg (Tomie de Paolo post), we might live in the same town. ;) I only have two children and one is the same age as yours. But I still feel the pressure -- why aren't there more children? Two in five years?? We've had 4 in 5 years!! I don't have any problems, thank God, it's just that God knows I can only handle so much at one time.
I'll pray for you, because I think I know how you feel.
p.s. Found you through Alice's blog which I stumbled across recently.
Posted by: Rose | Friday, October 27, 2006
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